she was once called Draupadi

Many eons ago, there was a great story written in India, everything about it was great. It has weathered so many storms and sold logic century after century that our contemporary storytellers like Navjwot Singh Sidhou, Amerr Sing, Behanji, Mumta di and Chetan Phogat could be silenced by the logics mentioned therein. However, that was the era before Ramanujam, before zero was born.(stupid, zero integer, not Kareaina figure). People were naturally endowed without mathematics interfering with their lives. An apple was a fruit, and blackberries used to grow on bushes. Cut to today, apple is some gadget used to ‘poke’ people, and blackberries grow clouds and Bush grows in Texas and Teheran.

Stories get written and actors get a part to play. Everyone had a distinct name, from their birth till cremation. (all men are cremated equal). All went off pretty well till circa 2010, till the numerologists started calling the shots. Whoever in authority, wanted to story rewritten in contemporary sense. Outsourcing being common, it was decided to send a team of experts, who hired another team of advisors to define how to go about the creative writing. Teams in place, finances tucked in, copywriters on board, everything was on schedule till the moment of dread – “luck, vaastu & numerology”. On board came Jaanleva Batliwala and Jumeirah Jumaani. They explained how Jeetoo’s daughter’s kismet changed with a letter, and AB and Baby both encountered success with an apostophy inserted. Who wants to take a panga anyways with numbers (esp. when mathematics was never a forte with the creative writers) They had no problems with the script. Keeping in mind the raahoo-ketou-shaney, they analyzed the names of all the players in the book, and refixed their combinations.

Most characters had inherent probs with their names, and the magic dots n letters rewrote their kismet before the book could roll out into the stores. Hey..problem fixed, exultations and celebrations followed. So, here goes the story…

Many years back, there was a saint (pssst. He was under the reserved quota, SC/ST) who sat under a tree and wrote an epic. (unlike Chetan, he was the one man organization). His name was Baalmickey (see, Valmiki was totalling up to 27 whereas the book demanded a total of 39). One day, the evil kings who invited their cousins to the roulette table literally stripped their brothers family into tatters, before robbing them of their elephants, horses and harems. Four brothers helplessly watched their kin (You-de-stir) gamble away the empire and their shared wife (ugh..true story??). Anyways, Dooh-sha-sawn dragged Draeupaddi into the court and tugged at her sari. Kreeshnah didn’t like it. He raised his left hand (coz the right held the chakra) and allowed Garden sari to flow outta them. The entire family, discarding the urbanization trend migrated from the city to jungles and villages. There Bheaem met heedimbaa and cut her nose(literally) and that let to Ra1 to wreak vengeance. He sat on a birdmobile and came to kidnap Seata. Voila. The same Kreeshnah was there too, albeit in a different Avatar (shaddup, not Cameroune).

Hey, same times man, nothing archaic.  There were ‘different rules for different men’ and the rulers were allowed to practice polygamy, gamble their country, adjudicate gay & pay rights and spend public money while peasants & washerwomen gossiped & drove men to suicide.

Many a wars were looming in Panipat. Not the powerlooms of heirlooms of Panipat. Asli wala fight, and the Panddavass were sent to the Drone-ach-air-ye institute in sector 32, Gurugaone to learn martial arts. Drones incidentally has had tremendous success in AfPak in similar sitiations. The numerologist said no to changing the names of all 16,342 who died in the battle but agreed, for a fee to change the luck of those who were leading the story.

Hence the blind womans bro was Shak-ooni, the kid who learnt cracking fighter formation became AB-man-you, the sword guy was Arr-june, Ckuntee, not so lucky she-khand-he, wise man Bhees-mah etc. etc.etc. I got access to the list, but man, How the F%$# do U spell those changes these numerologists suggest.

Nothing totals up in my case. Seems like I botched up the script too. Them’ Behosh daruwalla and Jumani walked away with the cheque, while I was benched for botching history.

Justice, Justice, please, someone !! I figured out now. No one dare touch me ..a-haaa…



Leave a Reply